still depressed

I thought I'm gonna be okey, but I'm not. Still stressing out. My head is about to explode. 
I'm lost in my own thought...Reality hit me and it's hitting me hard.
Few days ago, I received an email from Cal Poly, regarding registration for mandatory orientation.
11 August! I have to be there before 11 August for orientation. 
Everything else was settled and I'm good to go,except that I'm still waiting for my MARA agreement.
As the orientation date drawing closer, I'm scared as hell..
what if I didn't get MARA?
what am I gonna do?
I do not have a back up plan,I'm serious about going to Cal Poly and only Cal Poly..


I don't know who else can I talk to..
Mom, as much as I love her, I knew how much mom wanna say 'You're making the biggest mistakes in your life! You should've just continue studying at local public university like everyone else..' 
It will breaks me if I ever heard that words from her.
Shera. I tried writing on her LJ inbox several times.. but I don't know...
I can't seems to produce a line..constantly writing & deleting..
She's younger than me yet I have this impression of her being more mature than me...
Esfarina. 'Cal Poly' thingy, isn't our favorite subject...
We always avoid talking about it, its stressful and required deep thinking..
Es and I..we were never good at yknow~ this kind of stressful stuff..
in the end of the day,we gonna just end up KPOP-ing..

(not mine,credits on picture)

I don't think people know why I needed to pursue my study abroad so freaking bad.

Here's my 'WHY'

I WANNA MAKE MY PARENTS PROUD. PERIOD.

AND I WANT THIS FOR OPPORTUNITY FOR MYSELF.

I acknowledge the fact that I'm not the brightest girl, not even the smartest girl in the world

I'm a nobody.. I made plenty of mistakes in my past.

but that, does not define who I am today.

People change, every seconds, every minutes of their life

I hate when people judge me for who I am in the past

cause guess what, I'm not that person anymore. Who I am today, is not who I used to be in the past.

I hate 'me' when I was someone else's girlfriend.

I hate 'me' when I was in a relationship.

It took me several years to accept the fact that I'm not capable of being in a relationship.

Relationship was the biggest distraction in my life.

Being single makes me realized what I really want in life.

I wanna be smart, a girl with brain. A girl who get a degree, get a great job with high salary.

a girl who do everything by herself. A girl who forever putting a smile on her parents face.

Frankly, I care less about being pretty..being attractive to guys..

For what reason exactly?

I still have my parents and they are my priority 

I'm not wanting to study abroad for fun 

I have goals to achieve.

I had given up my love life. and I live my life decently ever since..

Ya Allah.please please please, let me have this opportunity.

This is all I ever want, in life.