braver

I was listening to Akanishi - Eternal and tearing up

Akanishi is inspiring, how he choose to perform for 100++ people when he already managed to perform in Tokyo Dome with 52K audiences, but he still look great either way. I wish I could be stronger...I wish I could be more like him...not scared of consequences and be firm with whatever decision, living life with no regrets. 

Honestly, lately I started to question myself, did I ever make a right decision in life? did I chose a correct path? what if I chose differently in the past? will my life be better? Right now, I don't even know what my future holds..where will I be in the next two years?

Before, my life has always been just decent up until I met him..when I was 15.. Everything started to changed. I guess it was all my fault after all, if I chose to not let him in..he would never be a part of my life..I chose to love him..I made the decision. Unconsciously, I hurt a lot of people along the way..my parent especially .. I let them down...so many times that I thought at one point, my dad hated me so much..but I was wrong, no matter what I do, no matter how much he hurt..he's always has been there for me.loving me even from a distance. When dad was diagnosed of kidney failure.. I finally get a grip of myself. 

The only reason why I choose an American Degree twinning program was because of my dad.I wanted to start anew, I wanted to study abroad..and make him proud of me again...*sigh* if only life is  that easy... MARA took back their loan for studying abroad..I guess, that can't be help with nation economy condition right now.So, here I am again..having to choose my life path.. I can either

a) wait until September 2011 for Cal Poly, Pomona intake. Meaning that I can extend one more Semester in KL, have enough time to study my ass off for MUET & seek for financial aids. Cal Poly do offers major in forensic, which happen to be my desired major. Looking from a bad side, it is time consuming..I'm 20 and I needed to hurry up & finished my degree. Delaying won't do any good

b) switch to University of Ballarat program, which required me to extend another one year in Malaysia before flying off during my final year to complete my degree in Aussie. Oh-ok. This may sounds good except that I don't have a choice to major..they only offers Biomedical. (i don't even know if biomedical is my thing~ I'm more interested in forensic thingy~)

c) stay in KL until 20 Dec ( holidays start on 10 Dec, 10 more days in KL.. can be hell. I miss my family so much & tough luck, me & my sister won't even meet at home if I choose to stay ) to attend Japanese Education Fair. Representative from various universities in Japan will come over and I've done my researched, some of the universities are offering Degree in english program meaning it doesn't require Japanese language skills. Besides, one of my friend had been accepted with scholarship & stuff..she's in Fukuoka now..yes, she can't speak nor read Japanese.it's an ENGLISH program. I might stand a chance though..so, I'm thinking of giving a shot~ who knows right?

d) continue my study in Malaysia, at other private college of course

SO WHAT SHOULD I DO??